“After Finley came home, even though God had answered my prayers of letting us bring her home. I still struggled with fears. Fear that something would still happen with to her. I was so thankful for what God had done – I was afraid I would still lose her. With Finley’s condition there has been a list of complications, things that could still happen, things I could worry about. So I continued to give God my fears – over and over again.
I’ve come to see my anxiety as a reminder. Like the thorn in Paul’s side – it reminds me of my weakness and I turn to God. I am not in control.”
I spoke these words this past weekend where I had the honor of preaching a sermon on prayer at our church.
There has always been a list of things that could go wrong with Finley – some more at the forefront than others… but Finley has always had ‘something’ they’ve needed to watch. These somethings could be things we could worry about… a slightly enlarged bile duct… the aftermath of the “it’s a choledochal cyst / oh, wait no, it’s not” almost surgery when she was 3 months old… which has been watched ever since.. and her clot/artifact in her IVC (inferior vena cava). This clot or artifact as it’s been called has been there since she came home from the NICU. I remember this because hearing there was something that could be a clot in your baby’s major vein near her heart is quite unsettling. But they told me it could be artifact, and not to worry about it. In fact, they were so not worried about it that Cardiology discharged us from follow up. It’s been mentioned over the years now and then, but since the excitement of 2016, no one had brought it up. Until today.
The Ultrasound tech noticed it and took a lot of pictures. Even to my untrained eye – I noticed it. And I remembered that it has been cast into the – we don’t need to worry category before. The Radiologist made her take extra photos and off to Clinic we went..
First, her bile duct is smaller this time. Yay! He still thinks it’s fine – but will scan it again in a year.
Then he brought up the clot. He wasn’t on her case as a baby – I let him know that it’s been there since the NICU. I learned that apparently PICC lines and arterial lines can cause these. As the mama and the keeper of all the medical info about one Finley Dooley – these are the things I do remember. I remember all of it. I may not remember a whole lot of other things – but all the medical records are stored in my active memory.
He wants to have Hematology/Oncology take a second look.
For a half a second worry tried to take a foothold. But then I went back and said no. No, I will not worry about this. I will just be thankful for doctors that continue to be so diligent in her care that they want ensure they are doing all the right things. If this is concerning, they will put her on blood thinners.
As I talked to Jon, we laughed about the fact that things are NEVER straight forward inside Finley’s body. We have yet to have a doctors appointment where there wasn’t something to watch. Something to pray for. It is the gift of the reminder to not take any of this for granted. There are always things to watch – and many times we aren’t watching for them. I live in an complete lack of control – and Finley is my reminder that even though I try to fool myself with thoughts of being in control – I’m not. And that’s ok.
Living life in submission to the one that is.
Finley doesn’t just keep us on our toes- she keeps us on our knees. 🙂