Unknowing. “A lack of awareness or knowledge.”
That is the place we are in right now. AKA the waiting place. I’ve been here before. But it doesn’t get any easier. Much of the last week I have been wrestling and fighting my mind. The fear tries to be louder than my faith, than the truth. The lies whisper to my fragile, war torn soul and it whispers the fears that have never left me, but were pushed back.. Muted. I was able to live with them, and push them back.. but they never left me.
I recently told a friend that I have accepted fear/anxiety as the thorn in my side. The reminder that I am not all-able and in control. The thing that reminds me that I DO need God – that when those lies crop up, I have to intentionally call it the lie that it is, and pray. Most of the time, it’s not an all consuming task. For a few days this week, I have had little energy for anything else. And then the results of her ultrasound came back. Fear had told me that there was going to be something wrong with her bile duct. Maybe something with her kidneys.. because I had BELIEVED that she was fine.. that I went off high alert and trusted and stopped worrying about those things. The lie SHOUTED that my trust was misplaced. When I heard the doctor say the scans were clear while seated amongst a sea of other parents watching their children do gymnastics – My soul audibly sighed such amazing relief. They were lies. Lies, that I did bring to God and that kept me praying for the better part of the school day for 2 days.. but they were lies. Something shifted then. The pit in my stomach lifted. When I get stressed, my appetite runs for the hills. My fragile, about to burst into tears if someone looked at me with too much compassion, state thickened. It was as if God audibly hugged me.
See? I’m here. You got the results quickly. This is not what’s wrong with her.
You worried needlessly.
We still don’t know what is wrong in her little body, but today I feel stronger. It’s not her bile duct, her CDH repair site, and it’s not Wilm’s tumor. The things I know to fear are off the table.
I am so thankful for the multitude of prayers covering us. The reminders that God is in the with us. He will see us to the other side of this, and maybe that’s another miracle where he heals her. Maybe he will use the doctors and we will be able to glorify God in the midst of a storm (If I have a choice here though God, I’d like to order a small gale…). No hurricanes please.
I will cling that he has a purpose and plan for Finley’s life.
His timing is ALWAYS perfect.
He has had his hand on Finley since before the beginning of time and loves her more, which is something that I have a hard time comprehending. My selfish mama heart just knows that I LOVE her absolutely and completely and I want all the days with her. I go to the worst place because I have stood at the cliff of the Shadow of Death. It is a scary place. But I am not alone in this unknowing place…just waiting. Knowing that God does some amazing things in the waiting, though I like to fight him. Apparently, I need lots of reminders that I am not in control. He still has much refining to do in me.
So in the waiting, we pray for complete healing of any infection or inflammation. Praying for her stomach and intestines to be healthy. Waiting and praying for the GI doctor to call and schedule our appointment for sooner and that he won’t find anything serious going on inside of her.