When you have a sick child you are over powered with feelings of helplessness… As parents, we are hard wired to protect our children. To comfort them when hurting, sad, angry. Feed them, keep them warm, take care of all their needs. Then something happens and you find your child sick and especially if they are very young and unable to communicate exactly what is bothering them – it becomes heartbreaking for a parent. You don’t know what to do to make them feel better.  You don’t what is wrong. You play guessing games trying to figure out the whys and are completely powerless. I know I am not alone. Many others have walked this path and their words comfort me. I know I am not alone, as many friends are in the same place right now. Some with CDH babies, some with children battling cancer, some other medical issues. It is the scariest, worst thing that I think a parent ever has to face.  So in the face of my powerlessness- I turn to the one that in control and wants to comfort us as his children. I am heavy of heart today… I know not going home today is not a setback – just a reminder that we can’t rush healing. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

After Finley vomited a few times after feeds yesterday, they put her on NPO (nothing) to let her stomach rest. They did let her have 15ml this AM and that seems to be staying put. We will resume feeding by bottle later today to see if a slower approach will be better tolerated. I just pray that the vomiting is just her telling us that her body wasn’t ready to eat normally yet and not that she has reherniated. That is the big, ugly fear in the back of my mind. The X-rays and blood work didn’t show anything alarming so it is very likely that the vomiting is just telling us to slow down. If she continues to vomit through, they will need to do ultrasounds for a closer look. She really is only between 3 and 4 days out from a major surgery – I need to relax and not worry about the worst.. but that is not my nature. I worry. I am a worrier. Pray for Finley and for me today. And pray for all the other parents in hospital rooms or elsewhere worrying about their sick kids. May God take the worry and replace it with the peace and calm.  If I didn’t pray right now, I would go absolutely crazy. It is the air I breathe.

So that was your glimpse into my thoughts this morning.


9 thoughts on “Helplessness…”

  1. I know it’s hard (I spent many hours in the hospital with my kids when they were little besides the grandkids). It’s in a parent’s job description to worry…try not to hold onto too much & lift up the rest to the Father. (Sounds like you are already doing that – keep it up!)

    You are doing great and I’m sure Finely is doing as well as she is because of all the love she is surrounded by. We are continuing to keep you all close in prayer. ((HUGS!!))

  2. didn’t know if you had heard this before but i thought you’d appreciate the words. love you and praying peace for you and healing for your baby girl today.
    in His grace alone,

    michael w. smith

    This is the air I breathe
    This is the air I breathe
    Your holy presence living in me

    This is my daily bread
    This is my daily bread
    Your very word spoken to me

    And I I’m desperate for you
    And I I’m I’m lost without you

    This is the air I breathe
    This is the air I breathe
    Your holy presence living in me

    This is my daily bread
    this is my daily bread
    your very word spoken to me

    And I’m, I’m desperate for you
    And I’m, I’m lost without you

    And I’m desperate for you
    And I’m, I’m lost without you.

    I’m lost without you.

    I’m lost without you.

    I’m desperate for you.

    I’m desperate for you..

    I’m lost, I’m lost, I’m lost without you..
    I’m lost without you

    I’m desperate for you

  3. Dear Liz, I am praying for you! As I read your words tears of memories filled my eyes. I can relate to the helplessness and desperation you feel as a mom as you watch your child suffer. The heartache can feel so overwhelming. Kaeli has her 2 year post treatment appointment Jan 18th. Even now, I worry, is her cancer back? But in these moments I am reminded my strength is in God, the One who loves me and loves our children more than we do. He is trustworthy, He is faithful, He is good. I am sure that I have mentioned this to you before but about a month after Kaeli was diagnosed I read a devotional about a lady who was on a ship in the Antartic. She prayed and asked God to surface a whale right in front of her becasue she knew that God could! But He didn’t. The author went on to describe her dissapointment in God, and as she was wrestling with God she looked up and there was an iceberg covered in penguins, and all seemingly looking right at her. It hit me as I read this that I had been praying for my own whale. I wanted God to heal Kaeli instantly, to do something miraculous, something BIG (like surfacing a whale), but God wanted me to look for His hand in the situation. He wanted me to see what He was doing even in the small ways (like the penguins). He wanted me to see His hands of love for Kaeli! Praying you have strength to look for penguins today. You are not alone, He loves you and Finley and He is with you. Call me anytime you just need to vent. Love you, Lisa

  4. Liz, keep praying and keep expressing all your thoughts. It is the only way to stay sane in such an uncontrolled situation. We always think we are in such control, but the truth is, what happens is in the Lord’s hands. And we just need to trust in and pray to Him. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and know that you, your family and Miss Finley are so strong! So keep fighting and know the Lord is with you!

  5. Thank you for sharing your heart and letting God use your words and your experiences to comfort and encourage others. We are praying for you! I remember (from my limited experience) that can be so hard to think about anything else when you are immersed in the hospital-room microcosm. I’ll be praying both for Finley’s healing and that you have opportunities to be refreshed and renewed as you persevere through this.

  6. I don’t know what I can say other than “I love you” and know that you are hurting/worrying, but know that God is walking beside you every step of the way.

    Also, know that I am praying for you and your entire family (especially Finley to heal and gain strength). God hears all our prayers and worries (even when it is from the hearts of others such as friends praying for you)—-use his shoulders and not just your own as he is stronger!!

  7. Liz,
    I think I may have posted this quote to you back when Finley was in the hospital before…but just in case I didn’t…It is one of my favorites!

    “Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and everyday. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you the unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations, and say continually: “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart has trusted in Him and I am helped. He is not only with me but in me and I in Him.” – Francis de Sales

    You are in my prayers.

  8. I truly know how you feel as watching my little one hurting and never knowing when he was in pain what I could do to help him. EVERY DAY I never knew what would happen next good or bad and as a worrier myself siting there and JUST watching was not something I was good at. I think the worst part of being a mom to a sick and tiny baby is that as their moms we want to just pick them up rock them and make them feel better just like that. And the fact it doesn’t work that way can kill us. But remember that you not only made it through the 1st round great but you and her are already doing great on this 2nd round. “God never gives you more then you can handle” even if that may not SEEM true at times. And after ALL I’ve been through in the last 10 years (mostly after my baby’s death) and knowing I’m not only still standing but able to help others I know in the end that statement really is true.

    Stay strong and keep faith in God and he will heal you ALL. Praying all goes well and sending big hugs. ((((HUGS))))

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